I am losing myself...

The Daeva ball was held this evening. I would say that all in all, the festivities were adequate of bearing the Daeva name. The next ball needs a little something more to give it a skip to it's step, but it is a grandiose improvement over the prior attempt.

You would think that tasting a flower of Demeter for the first time would be the highlight of the evening. Instead, it only foreshadowed a horrific set of events. Fate would not see me so pleased this evening.

While conversing with various members of the court, I witnessed a man tossing a chair idly to the side with no care for the integrity of the space, nor respect for property that wasnt his. After inquiring from my peers on the identity of the man, i was told that he had not only killed a member of the provided herd, but that he was offending our guests.

Upon approaching him, I realized that this was one of the more foul mouthed, offensive kindred I had ever encountered. I fought diligently to maintain control of the beast and held on by a thread on no less than 3 occasions during our conversation.

Then I lost it. In my mind I could only think of one thing... eradicate this blemish from existence; Prevent its spread now before it can affect our kindred, and exclaim your distaste of him from the mountaintops as you run your fingers through his ash. At that point I no longer cared about the individual I had fought so long and hard to forge myself into. The rules were set aside, dominated by the overwhelming desire to see him silenced at all costs.

I grabbed the attention of the entire court and announced the self proclaimed "Lord Shithead" as fop of the evening. Blood rushed through my veins and wounds opened up all over his body. I had never experienced this before, and it was an amazing feeling to feel such power course through my every uttered word. I had been fulfilled, the beast sated for some time.

It was then that I realized I had broken elysium for the second time. I fought a tide of inner shame mixed with utter hatred as the victim of my attack fervently spat at my shoes and attempted to shine them. He began to writhe in pain and then madly proclaimed that he was being forced to leave me. I felt a wave of relief as he went away, but stuck in an almost nightmarish state of confusion as he went away. I am beginning to lose myself? It is not because the beast demands it. I am doing this to myself and it terrifies me.

A vast majority of the court left to attend to him. What they did behind those doors I did not know, but it was fairly clear that "Lord Shithead" would not be returning to goad me further.
I was left to stew in my own self loathing. What had I done? More importantly, what sort of example am I if i cannot hold even a modicum of decorum regarding the tradition of elysium.

After things had calmed down, Sister Vaughn sought to keep me company. She seemed shaken, very unlike her normal catlike indifference of all she surveys. It made me uncomfortable. I wanted to pry, but individuals kept approaching me to speak about anything and everything. It was then that Master Santiago approached with his lovely pet. His loving and territorial Crassus. Santiago blatantly inquired as to whether or not I had seen Sister Morgan in the nude. I was almost left speechless when she darted out of the room in embarrassment. Master Santiago proclaimed, even while so well accompanied, that he did not like his property to be stolen from him. To take ownership of a past lover seemed peculiar to me, but not at all surprising coming from Master Santiago. He is a snake I could crush, but a snake worthy of pause. I would not be surprised to see my loved ones turn against me in his midst. Tread lightly Master Santiago. I care not for ultimatums, nor the bluster you provide. You will tip the scales, and guide my hand.

I spoke to Sister Morgan and confirmed my suspicions. She has spoken to Master Santiago prior that evening, and found herself at odds. I have witnessed Santiago turn tightly knight loyalties into tattered remnants and so suggested to her to minimize her conversations with him, or at the very least share her conversations with him with anyone she trusts.

Our conversation came to a close, and we arrived late to a lecture from Father Cade to the collective court. He gave a call to action, suffering not the existence of predators like Ethel to roam our streets, and thus volunteers to aid him.
It was only after said meeting was over that i discovered the main topic of his lecture was to express his public distaste for a breach of elysium. I had mixed feelings on the situation. I was shamed in what I had done, but also surprised at how quick Father Cade was wash his hands of
my previous work for us all. Such is the nature that the requiem takes.

The onus is on me to make a change for myself, to see to it that my mistakes are rectified, and my example is restored.